Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new...the second hand unwinds...after the memory of us fades to grey, will I wonder if you're ok?

I was hanging out with a friend on Sunday and we were talking about the mood I've been in lately. After describing how I've been feeling lately, she asked me if I thought I might be depressed. She suffers from depression and said my feelings sound very similar to hers. She began asking me about my past relationships and we got to you. I told her about our "realtionship" and my being the other woman. I felt so much anger for you, but underlying that anger was this feeling of missing you. Then I got mad at myself for missing you. You'll NEVER know how much you've wrecked me. I have to find a way to let this go. I think about you all the time and my thoughts are mean, hate filled thoughts and I know that holding on to this anger is so very detrimental. Fearing that I am very close to being broken beyond repair, I have to build a stronger Erin. Heather is beyond the best person in my life, she loves me and I love her so very much. I owe it to myself and to her to never give another thought or feeling t you again.

I was hanging out with a friend on Sunday and we were talking about the mood I've been in lately. After describing how I've been feeling lately, she asked me if I thought I might be depressed. She suffers from depression and said my feelings sound very similar to hers. She began asking me about my past relationships and we got to you. I told her about our "realtionship" and my being the other woman. I felt so much anger for you, but underlying that anger was this feeling of missing you. Then I got mad at myself for missing you. You'll NEVER know how much you've wrecked me. I have to find a way to let this go. I think about you all the time and my thoughts are mean, hate filled thoughts and I know that holding on to this anger is so very detrimental. Fearing that I am very close to being broken beyond repair, I have to build a stronger Erin. Heather is beyond the best person in my life, she loves me and I love her so very much. I owe it to myself and to her to never give another thought or feeling t you again.

Special, Isolated Incident My Ass

I hate that you call what happened a special, isolated incident. Not only that, but I hate that you claim to care about me more than you can explain. You're so fucking full of shit. Heather has filled me in on the conversations you two had. She has told me that you continue to persue her and yes, I believe her, without a doubt. You have been too shady for me to even consider that what someone else is telling me maybe false. To text her as we're leaving softball practice to say you're glad she came and that she looked cute made me want to vomit. I was probably standing right next to you as you did that. So not only was I the one you were cheating on your wife with, but you were flirting with someone else. I feel bad for Sarah...she must be as dumb as the day is long to still be with you, she must not have any self worth, which I'm sure you've manipulated, that's what you're best at. You've managed to make me feel dirty, used and second class. You've created so much hate and have altered so many lives. I once thought having you in my life was the best thing that ever happened to me, now I see that having you out of my life is.

Goodbye Grandma...I know you aren't suffering anymore and you're in a better place. I love you.

Sometimes, I really dislike you. I get that we both participated in our "relationship" and I could have very easily said enough is enough long before we ended, but it was hard to see that because I was so in love with you. I want to scream at you. I want you for just one day feel what I felt and sometimes still feel.

So I guess this is it. If you really cared about me and my feelings, you would have made the effort to show me that you cared. Lots of negative feelings still reside. But this helps me move on, close the door that I've left open. Have a good life and may you get what you give.

So I know tomorrow is your mom's birthday. I'm wishing her a happy birthday and hoping you make it through another one knowing you're loved and thought of on this day.

I think it's funny how people are the worst to other people talk about karma. You might take your own advice because that shit is gonna come back to bite you in the ass, then who's talking about karma? Treat people the way you want to ne treated and you'll never have to worry about karma or wish it's woeful effects on others.

Sometimes I miss you...well I always miss you. I miss the friend I once knew. I think that person I miss was a fraud. I haven't seen that person is well over a year. I just have to beat those feelings of missing you. So far so good. It is my belief that you really didn't want your friend back. If you did, you would have fought harder for our friendship. Maybe you just wanted me to be one of your many puppets that you could manipulate. I kinda fell for it again...saw myself being manipulated by you. You are very manipulative, you know that right? You manipulate people to get what you want, to get ALL of the attention with the guise of caring for us. I finally figured it out, it's only a matter of time before everyone else does too. Just remember you get what you give. And the more I reflect on our time together, how was I not played? You never had any intention of being with me. But you made me think you did to keep me around. I'll never forget you saying to me, "erin, I never wanted to see you and Margaret together again!" It's like it was yesterday it is so fresh in my brain. Manipulation, oh yes! I know you interfered with that from the get go. Whatever, I just have some residual feelings to purge.

So its been a minute since I last posted, I've been taking some time to process what I've been feeling since you and I started talking again. I've brought it up more than once that many of our conversations are about you, yet nothing changed. I've talked about how I don't need a penpal, yet that's how things continued to exist. Until I can see from you that our friendship will be equal, a two way street, and more of a friendship than a correspondance, I'm not interested.

I want to play on your softball team....

So here I am, feelings for someone else, but you're always on my mind. I feel guilty for these feelings I have for her, like they belong to you. I feel like I shouldn't talk to you about her. But it should be ok for me to have feelings for someone else. I don't want to hurt her, hope that I am not hurting you. I'm trying to move on, but I don't want to at the same time.

Friends...that's my focus. Like you said we're in this together through good and bad. I've gotta focus on us being friends

It is your smile that I crave the most...the look, the touch, your smell, your hugs, you. I try not to yearn for all of it, so I distract myself with other things, other vices, other girls. it is not what I want to do, but what else do I do?

I was driving home today and just broke down. Its the first time I've really expressed emotion about this. I don't know what sparked it, I was just thinking about you. The emotion wasn't bad, I just miss you.

I love you. But I have to move on. Move on from how I feel for you? No! Put those feelings away because I don't want them to come between us. They'll always be there, I can't imagine not having them, not feeling them everyday. You once said you imagined I'd be with someone else and you'd find me and things would work out the way we think they should. Do you still feel that way for me? I wonder that all the time. I want to ask you, but know I shouldn't. That if we're meant to have that conversation again, the time will present itself. So I'm going to explore other things for now, maybe that part of our lives will return, maybe it won't. We can't know for sure. Just to have you in my life is enough, I'll put those feelings here until there is a better outlet for them.

I have a lot of feelings about us reconnecting. For some reason I can't find the words to explain how I feel. Maybe its because I haven't really thought about and looked at what it I am feeling. I talked a lot about you yesterday in my therapy session. Even my therapist couldn't get me to explain how I feel. My feelings aren't negative in any way. I wonder if I'll ever be a part of your life in way that we can hang out outside of softball or if we'll ever be more than text/email and occasional phone conversationalists. For the time being, I am ok with that. Yesterday I did express how much you make me laugh. That is so important to me. Not just that you're funny, but that when we talk, I feel like I'm talking to someone I've known for most of my life. It's hard to explain. I don't have conversations with anyone else like the conversations you and I have. Maybe that is because of what we've been through, our past together. I fe like I am rambling, I just feel like I can't put it all into words just yet.

Inspiration to Write

So it's been awhile since I've blogged.  Haven't really felt like it.  It's not that there hasn't been anything to write, just haven't had the motivation to.  I have kept a lot of stuff in and it does need somewhere to go.

So, I've been inspired to let some of it out.  It's not that a new chapter has opened in my life, but the chapter that I was reading has a new ending now.  A reconnection with a someone so very important to me.  I haven't felt like myself in so long.  I got lost along the way.  So I took a step back and took sometime to try and find myself and the moment came at the right time when the person who I missed so much was rediscovered.  Seems to me that we both took the time we needed.  Maybe we both still need that time, but know this, I'm not going anywhere, and I really never wanted to.  I just felt that was what I needed to do for myself.  

I'm feeling a lot of different things right now.  My thoughts are so scattered.  I don't want to be overbearing with my feelings, so this is where they'll go.  

A second chance is staring me in the face and I'm not going to let this one get all discombobulated.  I do not regret anything from before and I have held on to the happy memories and visit them often.  

I'm ready for a fresh start, knowing it may take awhile, but it's worth it friend, because there isn't anyone else like you.

Since we've started talking again, I can't stop thinking about you.  I mostly wonder if you think about me.  I've realized my feelings for you haven't changed despite the time apart.  I'm contemplating telling you that I need more time.  But I want to talk to you, I want you in my life, I want to be able to hold you again, and I need you to hold me.  You made me feel so safe.  No matter what was going on, I knew you'd be there for me.  I don't know if you are in the same place, we know how dangerous that place is.  So I think the best thing is for us to not talk again, for awhile...I don't know if it'll ever change?  I just miss you so much, want you back in my life.

Einstein likes to catch lizards

THAT'S RIGHT BABY! FIELD LEVEL TICKETS! RIGHT BEHIND THE PADRES DUGOUT!

LET'S GO PADRES!!!!

Diamondbacks vs. Padres @ Petco Park in San Diego